There’s a very funny site that has a growing list of Things Younger Than John McCain.
At last check this included Spam (the food), Mount Rushmore, both of Barack Obama’s parents and the state of Alaska.
Holy carbon dating, Batman! Mount freakin’ Rushmore?!
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Quien es mas young-o? McCain y Parthenon?
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Republican candidate John McCain took a combative stance on the campaign trail, saying he will actively look to court younger voters. McCain indicated he would be targeting voters as young as 55 by letting them know he was one of the first members of Congress to switch from a rotary to a push-button phone.
Speaking at a fundraiser sponsored by Metamucil, McCain said, “Even though I went to school with Cleopatra, it doesn’t mean I’m not boss enough to talk to all you cats about the importance of this election.”
“I can still remember listening to Frank Sinatra and staying up late to watch the Tonight Show with Jack Paar. Do you really want to trust the Oval Office to someone who grew up watching porn on the Interwebs and playing violent video games like Pong and Ms. Pac-man?” McCain said in a veiled swipe at front-running Democratic hopeful, Barack Obama.
“We don’t need someone who has a nuanced view of the world,” McCain asserted. “I see the world in black-and-white terms because that’s the kind of television I grew up with.”
McCain said he hoped voters would feel more comfortable with him the more they got to know him.
“Think of me as that crazy old coot of a grandfather who’s just as likely to engage you in conversation at the dinner table or try to take his underwear off over his head. Don’tcha just love that guy?”
Campaign officials said McCain had a full slate of activities scheduled for the rest of the week including frequent napping, being tested for melanoma and storing food in his cheeks for winter.
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Thinks his shirt is “sporty.”
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Playboy Enterprises announced disappointing results at their annual shareholders meeting today. Investors struggled to maintain upbeat and put on a forced smile while company officials suggested they “could rub investors’ necks or maybe we could watch TV or something…”
Company officials went on to say, “this kind of earnings performance had never happened to them before, well…except for a couple of times when they were really drunk.”
Chief Executive Officer Christie Hefner said, “This will be a transitional year as we are still in…the retooling process.”
Ms. Hefner’s statements are a further indication that it almost impossible for the company to hold a press conference that doesn’t feature at least a few scattered snickers.
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Bizlevity analyst predicts Playboy outlook will firm in closed door meeting to be held later this evening…
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The Dolan family, owner of Cablevision, Madison Square Garden, the New York Knicks and Rangers bid 12% above two experienced news organizations to buy a local Long Island newspaper.
Later today, the Dolans are expected to announce that Isaiah Thomas will be named the new editor of the paper.
Thomas vowed to be an active editor and is expected to sign slow, less-skilled reporters with bad attitudes to bloat the paper’s payroll as quickly as possible.
Cablevision Chairman Charles Dolan said,“We admire Newsday’s strong editorial voice and reputation for quality as well as its leadership in print and online journalism.”
“We should be able to undo all that in under two years,” noted Dolan.
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Thomas signals in sexual harassment play-
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The following article is from the Sunday edition of the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle.
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Ultimate Loss Bonds Area Gold Star Moms
-James Hawver, Staff writer
This is a club to which no mother wanted to belong.
Members often avoid the news. They can’t bear to hear another has joined.
“I don’t want to know,” said Mary Ellen Schramm, sitting in her Greece home, her voice weak, her face flush, her eyes wet. “I can’t do anything about it. It’s a heartbreak for me. I cry. I can’t imagine another family going through what we’ve gone through.”
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Feds Say Al Sharpton Owes $1.5 Million In Back Taxes
Reverend Claims He Is No Longer Speaking to Wesley Snipes
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Hezbollah Stages Armed Takeover Of Sunni Neighborhoods In Beirut
Lebanese PM Calls for Army to ‘Restore Normal Life’, Wants to Get Back to ‘Good Old Days of Random Bus and Cafe Bombings’
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Myanmar Junta Leaders Seize First Two U.N. Aid Shipments
World Body Vows to Continue Humanitarian Policy of Enriching Corrupt Dictators
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Sponge Bob Fanatics Suspected In Vandalism Case
Police Impose Curfew in Bikini Bottom, ACLU Fields Profiling Complaints from Shoppers Who Buy Pineapples
Being picked up … for questioning.-
Citibank To Sell $500 Billion In Assets
Analysts Warn Sale of One Trillion Pens With Chains Attached May Only Be First Step
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Moqtada al-Sadr Agrees To Cease Fire With Iraq Government
Radical Cleric Also Tells Government That Check is in the Mail and He’s DD-Free
Promises to call the next morning.-
Co-Founder Of Baskin-Robbins Dies
End of Rocky Road for Ice Cream Magnate, Company Plans 31 Different Ceremonies This Sundae
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The Bizlevity nomination for Mother of the Year Decade Half-Century is … Michelle Duggar.
Michelle went on the Today Show this morning to announce that, just in time for Mother’s Day, she is pregnant with her 18th child.
For Mother’s Day, her kids are going to stage a hostile takeover of FTD.
Michelle and her husband Jim are members of an evangelical Christian sect called Quiverful which, coincidentally, also happens to be a pretty fitting description of Michelle’s uterus.
Apparently, this Christian sect encourages children in much the same way as an election to Congress encourages spending.
Michelle has been pregnant (11+ years) longer than most people are married. Over one-quarter of her life has been spent pregnant.
She shouldn’t be on the Today Show, she should be getting an honorary doctorate in Obstetrics & Gynecology from Harvard Medical School.
She’s had more people pass through her than Myanmar customs.
If Michelle was any more fertile, her parents would be named Tigris and Euphrates.
On top of everything else, Michelle and her husband have given all their kids names that start with the letter “J” — Joshua, twins Jana and John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, twins Jedidiah and Jeremiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah and baby Jennifer.
This kind of nonsense is aggravating enough when you have three kids, but eighteen?!
The only way this makes sense is if the kids’ names all start with J in an attempt to remind Mr. Duggar to give all the screwing a rest and just jerk off once in awhile.
The Duggars told Today Show host Meredith Vieira they go through three loaves of bread a day. At that rate, the Duggars are responsible for raising food prices more than the push toward ethanol.
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Like an old Springsteen lyric: “I think he really Duggar, ’cause she was too loose to fake…”
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A man who worked with the National Weather service was finally apprehended today after a long history of harassing tornadoes.
Brian Barnes was accused of stalking a number of different funnel-shaped clouds and attempting to take pictures of them.
“I felt so violated,” said one tornado that requested anonymity.
Tornado activists urged judges to impose a strict sentence on Barnes, saying that tornadoes are “too often the subject of leering, unwanted attention and, like any other residents of Texas, are entitled to their privacy.”
Barnes maintains that the photography was consensual, saying the tornado’s swirling, sensual movement was “clearly a sign of arousal.”
“At no point did the tornado say, ‘No pictures.’ If it had, I would’ve stopped,” said Barnes.
The case is expected to draw widespread attention from other weather phenomena with at least one hurricane hoping that “maybe now people will stop flying over me and taking pictures of my eye. ”
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Just wants to be left alone
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What? Me, pander?
Hillary Clinton continued to show she’s “found her voice” by emphasizing her support among uneducated white people while campaigning in West Virginia — the whitest, least educated state in the country.
In an interview in USA Today, Clinton emphasized her support from “hard-working Americans, white Americans .. and how whites in both states who had not completed college were supporting me.”
Clinton also regaled West Virginians with stories of her youth, describing in great detail how she hunted squirrels, worked in a coal mine and slept with her cousin.
Despite virtual mathematical elimination in the race for the Democratic nomination, Clinton continued to press on making a persuasive case that people should vote for her because she was the best candidate to tap into the fears and racial prejudices of uneducated voters.
Clinton contrasted her position with that of Obama saying, “Unlike Senator Obama, I’m willing to exploit racial divisions on my own. I think that’s the kind of lowest common denominator leadership people expect from me.”
In other news, the Clinton campaign was set to air a new TV commercial in West Virginia which shows Senator Clinton answering a phone at 3:00AM and then hanging up because the caller “sounded black.”
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“Are you with me, stupid white people?”
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The Tropicana Casino in Atlantic City today filed for bankruptcy listing assets of $2.8 billion and liabilities of $3.3 billion.
The seeds of the Chapter 11 filings were planted back in December when the New Jersey Casino Control Commission determined “the company was incapable of running the ‘first-class operation’ required by state law and stripped the Tropicana in Atlantic City of its casino license.”
Casino owners challenged the state law citing the massive irony of New Jersey trying to require anything associated with the state to be “first-class.”
Shares of the company were pounded to a pulp as investors tried to pour their funds into other more fruitful endeavors.
Company officials say the filing will give them time to peel off sections of the company that are profitable and said they hope to squeeze out a positive net income in the company’s fiscal year which runs until the first frost.
Union leaders were caught by surprise by the move and were said to be “pithed” over the latest developments.
Most analysts viewed the unions criticism as sour grapes, saying it didn’t mix well with the company’s overall outlook.
Company spokesperson Anita Bryant called the bankruptcy filing a sad moment for the once thriving casino adding, “It’s like a day without sunshine.”
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Tropicana declares bankruptcy. How do you like them apples oranges?
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We Give Business the Business
Written by Mark Jabo [email], and Sarit Catz [email] for b5media.
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