Democratic Nominee Travels Overseas After Running Out of Groups to Promise to Help in U.S.
Democratic candidate Barack Obama today made a bold attempt to address critics who claim he doesn’t have the background or foreign policy experience to become President.
After promising governmental help to people in the U.S. with their mortgages, their gas bills, their [...]
Pontiff Pleads for Millions of Fat Kids To Resist ‘Heavenly’ Chocolate Cake; Says Food Network Star’s Recipe is Really ‘Devil’s Food’
Pope Benedict XVI addressed a gathering of Roman Catholics in Sydney, Australia and urged them to reject what he termed a “spiritual dessert” that was spreading throughout the world.
The Pope said the recipe for Heavenly [...]
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Citibank Posts $2.5 Billion Quarterly Loss, Beats Expectations
Banks Pursues Novel ‘Retarded Kid’ Strategy — Praises Management Efforts, Sets Low Expectations and Says They’ll Be Happy If No One Gets Injured
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J.P. Morgan Predicts More Loan Losses
Savvy Analysts Also Predict Amy Winehouse Will Do More Drugs, Sun Will Rise in East
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American Airlines To Lay Off 1500 [...]
Ethiopian Rider and Buddhist Monk Are Only Two Riders Left After Stage 4 Drug Testing Eliminates Rest of Field
An emaciated man riding a 1985 Huffy 3-Speed Mountain Bike could become the first winner of the prestigious Tour de France after the entire rest of the field, except for a vegetarian Buddhist monk, was eliminated with [...]
Fed Chairman Also Referst to Megan Fox as ‘Okay Looking’ and Tiger Woods as ‘Decent Golfer’
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke testified in front of Congress today in the wake of the second-largest bank failure in U.S. history and as bank stocks continued to post double-digit losses from already depressed levels.
With the dollar near record lows, oil [...]
Bernie Mac Doing Slightly Better
Nerves remained raw in financial markets after last week’s steep decline in shares of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, which together finance about half of U.S. homes. Investors also remain concerned about the economy after regulators had to takeover the failing bank IndyMac.
“Ultimately, we do not view these measures, dramatic [...]
Fed Adopts Plan to Wrap Borrowers in Giant-size Condoms
The Federal Reserve approved a plan that would crack down on dubious lending practices that have hurt many of the riskiest “subprime” borrowers.
The plan would bar lenders from making loans to panhandlers, bums and hobos. In addition, the proposal would require lenders to make sure risky [...]
With Pitt-Jolie Baby Pics Expected to Fetch $20 Million, Tomb Raider Star Looks To Open Nationwide Chain of Artificial Insemination Clinics
Angelina Jolie today announced she will be working with Goldman Sachs to market a chain of artificial insemination clinics to take advantage of the insane prices being paid for pictures of any of her kids.
In [...]
Fannie Said To Be ‘Too Big To Fail’; Freddie Would Also Get Bailed Out to Prevent Gender Discrimination Suit
John McCain and Charles Schumer have both gone on record as saying the government has succeeded beyond its wildest dreams by running a mortgage guarantor into the ground and then determining that they screwed up so badly [...]
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General Motors CEO Denies Bankruptcy Rumors
Maintains Company’s Cash Position is ‘Robust’; Says ‘For Sale By Owner’ Sign in Window of His SUV is Just A Coincidence
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Pharmaceutical Reps No Longer Able To Give Out Pens, Coffee Mugs To Doctors
New Industry Code of Conduct Designed to Eliminate Appearance of Corporate Influence; Reps Urged to Use Cash or [...]
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