The Obama children, Malia and Sasha, attended the first day at their new school in Washington, D.C. today.

A spokesperson for the Obamas said this also marked the first time Michelle Obama took the children to school adding, “It’s the first time the children used the front door of the school, it’s the first time they met their new classmates and it’s the first time I’ve had to run down a list like this instead of answering questions about the economy or the Middle East.”

In other breaking news, this was the first time Malia and Sasha sat in their new chairs in homeroom and the first time they each had a drink from the water fountain outside the principal’s office.

Other firsts on this amazing day of firsts included the first time the new First Daughters made a right turn into the school parking lot, the first time they ate spaghetti in the school cafeteria, and the first time each was called on in class to tell everyone their names and a little bit about themselves.

Sasha wore blue jeans and a brown hooded jacket (both for the first time) and Michelle Obama wore a maroon coat cinched at the waist (the first time that detail was ever deemed newsworthy) and gray slacks.

Malia obviously wore something from The Gap because she was the only one whose outfit MSNBC didn’t describe in rapturous detail.

MSNBC scooped other news organizations by predicting that later on Monday would mark the first time Sasha and Malia came home after school and tomorrow would be the first time they attended their second day at the prestigious Sidwell Friends School.

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I hope we don’t have to listen to a list of “firsts” every day for the next four years….

Photo credit: Everystockphoto.com

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Waterford Crystal, the iconic Irish luxury goods purveyor, filed for bankruptcy after restructuring efforts and attempts to find a buyer who wanted to make ornate, expensive dust collectors for your grandmother failed.

The company has been in business since before the Revolutionary War and specializes in making decorative household objects that weigh over 350 pounds. The company has been hit hard in recent centuries by changing consumer tastes as homeowners have moved away from daily consumption of brandy and hard candies as well as heavy crystal clocks that cause most Ikea shelving to collapse within four hours.

The mayor of Waterford is reported as saying “the closure of the crystal factory would deal a cultural and psychological blow to all of Ireland.” The mayor is expected to stick to his views even though there are twice as many Waterford employees in Jakharta, Indonesia as there are in Waterford, Ireland.

You’ll want to set your Waterford crystal watch because the countdown to a government bailout request begins in three … two … one ….

The news of the bankruptcy filing comes after Waterford announced last month that it had been forced to ask its chief creditors for “forbearance” due to the fact that that’s how they talk over in Great Britain.

In New York City, loan sharks use similar terminology when they warn you if you don’t pay up you’ll need crutches “forbearing” all your weight when your legs get broken.

Waterford CFO Anthony Jones said it had become clear that maintaining manufacturing in Ireland at its current level was not feasible.

How clear?

Crystal, of course.

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Rising health care costs hurt Waterford as grandma suffered crushed femur from serving dish gift after last year’s fruit bowl hernia…

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Photo credit: Everystockphoto.com

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Pizza Boy: Now I’ve had Pizza Time in my life,
No, I’ve never been this cold before,
Yes, I swear, it’s the truth
and I owe it all to Luke.

Pizza Girl: ‘Cause I’ve had Pizza Time in my life
and I owe it all to Luke.

Pizza Boy: I’ve been waiting for so long
Now I’ve finally got some feeling
In my toes

Pizza Girl: We saw writing in frost on the wall
As we read this desperate plea for heat

Both: Now with hypothermia in our thighs
There’s no way we could hide from King-TV
So, we huddle in the can
‘Cause we seem to understand the urgency.

Pizza Boy: Just remember

Pizza Girl: Heat’s the one thing

Pizza Boy: I can’t get enough of

Pizza Girl: So, I’ll tell you something

Both: This could be frostbite ’cause

(CHORUS)
Both: I’ve had Pizza Time in my life,
No, I’ve never lost a toe before
Yes, I swear, it’s the truth
And I owe it all to Luke,
‘Cause I’ve had Pizza Time in my life,
And I’ve searched for anything to do
When I found my limbs
Were starting to turn blue

Pizza Girl: With my body and soul,
I want my GED now more than you’ll ever know

Pizza Boy: We’ll just be let go,
If we find the thermostat control,

Pizza Girl: Yes, I know what’s on your mind
When you say:
“Freeze with me tonight.”

Pizza Boy: Just remember,
Your fingers are the one thing

Pizza Girl: You can’t get any more of

Pizza Boy: So, I’ll tell you something

Both: This could be frostbite because…

(CHORUS)
Both: I’ve had Pizza Time in my life,
No, I’ve never lost a toe before
Yes, I swear, it’s the truth
And I owe it all to Luke,
‘Cause I’ve had Pizza Time in my life,
And I’ve searched for anything to do
When I found my limbs were turning blue,
And I owe it all to Luke…

*Instrumental*

Pizza Boy: Now, I’ve had Pizza Time in my life,
Never been this freakin’ cold before

(Pizza Girl: N-n-n-never felt this w-w-w-way)

Pizza Boy: Yes, I swear, it’s like an igloo,
And we owe all to Luke

Both: ‘Cause I’ve had Pizza Time in my life,
Googled “frostbite” and when I got to Web-M.D.
Then I found the truth,
They’ll have to cut off both my feet

Both:I’ve had Pizza Time in my life,
No, I’ve never lost a toe before
Yes, I swear, it’s the truth
And I owe it all to Luke…

(…chorus to fade…)

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Read the Pizza Time story on Sean Kelly’s awesome blog Franchise Pick here and here.

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Ever want to take a trip to Malaysia?

Now you can courtesy of the owners of the Lacey, Washington Pizza Time franchise who’ve gone out of their way to give their employees a little slice of what it must be like to make designer clothing in a third world country.

Bizzia’s own Sean Kelly was all over this story like mozzarella on a sheet pizza and has the story of a franchise owner who not only forced his employees to work without heat but also went on to brag about it to a local news channel.

Pizza Time owner Luke Benjamin also thought it would be a good idea to publicize personal employee data and the fact one of the employees who complained about the heat had a DUI. The owner also bragged he had a bunch of applications for any job his frost-bitten employees didn’t want.

New job applicants are no doubt attracted by the company’s liberal vacation policy which pays them the equivalent of one night’s tips if they agree to work as rowers in the galley of Benjamin’s pleasure galleon in Puget Sound.

As a result of their savvy marketing techniques, Pizza Time has instituted a special promotion to help boost sales. For this week only, anyone ordering a two-topping pizza from the franchise will receive a free copy of Harriet Tubman: Conductor on the Underground Railroad. The copy is signed by the owners, is in mint condition and comes with the guarantee it’s never been read.

Anyone who would like to work for Pizza Time is invited to the company’s job fair next weekend where prospective employees will get a free shackle fitting. Please order your shackles one size larger since they tend to shrink at lower temperatures.

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Pizza Time on-the-job training for new employees dovetails nicely with Iditarod endorsement opportunity

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Photo credit: Everystockphoto.com

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Time Warner Cable and Viacom averted an interruption in some cable services when they reached an agreement in principle on Thursday saying they would stick to the principle of sticking it to cable subscribers. Originally, Time Warner had balked when Viacom requested increased fees for whatever the hell passes for MTV these days.

Time Warner called the 12% fee increase Viacom was seeking “outrageous given the current recession.” Viacom officials defended the raise saying the increase amounted to only $2.76 per subscriber.

Immediately after the meeting, Time Warner officials raised cable rates by thirty dollars per subscriber in a move they termed as “eminently reasonable given the current recession.”

In other news, Viacom announced Dora the Explorer would be leaving Viacom to take a position with the luxury travel firm of Abercrombie and Kent. The move is not expected to impact Viacom profits since your kid watches the same episode 375 times anyway.

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“Adios, kids. Dora just got paid!”

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Photo credit: Everystockphoto.com

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Lawyers for Bernard Madoff, who is accused of running a Ponzi scheme on steroids, said their client will provide the SEC with a list of his assets.

The lawyers maintained they couldn’t be certain that the list wouldn’t be inflated by Madoff listing other people’s assets as his own.

The crack staff at the SEC was said to be suspicious of some of Madoff’s asset claims. In particular, the regulatory agency was looking closely at Madoff’s claims that he owned an Emmy for The Closer and an original Footloose poster.

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Title song of 1984 movie refers to accounting standards employed by Madoff…

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In their continuing effort to disarm slow-learning Hamas terrorists, Israel took out a senior leader of the group with a targeted air strike over the weekend. Sheikh Nizar Rayyan got his one-way ticket on 72 Virgin Airlines punched courtesy of the Israeli military.

Sheikh Rayyan, who sent his own son on a suicide bombing mission, was by all accounts a real jerk, so no one was all that upset when he got taken out. However, there was mass rioting and promises of revenge when the Sheikh Rayyan bobblehead doll tripled in price recently on e-Bay.

Game players in the Gaza Strip were also said to be contemplating a coordinated campaign of mayhem when senior Hamas officials ruled that, due to his newly martyred status, Sheikh Rayyan’s name could no longer be used in the Palestinian version of Scrabble.

“With the ‘k,’ the ‘h’ and the two ‘y’s, he was always good for at least 30 points,” wailed Ali Ali Hahxenfreh. “He will be missed.”

When informed that proper names were not permitted in Scrabble anyway, a Hamas spokesman said, “Hey, we’re not supposed to be firing rockets into Israel on a daily basis either. It’s only breaking the rules if you get caught.”

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Hamas leaders struggle with Scrabble. Don’t know how to spell “p-e-a-c-e.”

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Photo credit: Everystockphoto.com

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Hillary To Push Button For Times Square New Year’s Ball Drop
Annual Celebration Will Mark Second Time This Year Clinton Dropped the Ball

The Curious Case of Christmas Spirit In Philadelphia
Life Isn’t Measured in Minutes, But In Moments of Poor Aim

Caterpillar Cuts Executive Pay
High Salaries Were Giving PR Department Butterflies

Greece Fire
Greek Police Can’t Yet Breathe Psi of Relief

Jesse Jackson, Jr. Fingered In Illinois Senate Seat Scandal
Oh, Great. Now It’s A Sex Scandal, Too?!

Auto Bailout Said To Be In Jeopardy
“I’ll Take ‘Throwing Money Down A Rat Hole’ for $800, Alex.”

San Francisco Mulls Decriminalizing Prostitution
Proposition K Would Make Propositioning O.K.

In Cost Cutting Move, Playboy Enterprises To Eliminate 55 Positions
Company Employees To Focus On Missionary, Cowgirl In Effort To Trim Medical Costs Associated With More Difficult Sexual Contortions

Man Arrested With Six Lobsters In Pants Suspected Of Poaching
Contrite Chef Says Recipe for Bisque Not Worth The Risque

Man Arrested With Six Lobsters In Pants Suspected Of Poaching
Dude Also Violated Little Known Statute Against Unlicensed Circumcisions

Scientists Unlocking Secrets Of How Memory Works
Researchers Still Writing Stuff Down…Just In Case

Heather Locklear Arrested On DUI Charge
275 Men Picked Up on Suspicion of Missed Opportunity

Wrigley Shareholders Approve Company’s $23 Billion Sale To Mars
Mars CEO Agrees to Higher Price After 11th Hour Visit by Doublemint Twins

The Sun Is Pregnant
No Spotting This Month As Sun Misses First Period In 100 Years

McCain Chides Obama For ‘Greek Temple’ Stage Backdrop
Arizona Senator Says Facade Looks Nothing Like The Original Ancient Greek Temples He Remembers From His Childhood

‘100 Things To Do Before You Die’ Author Dies
Found Slumped Over Massive To-Do List

Conjoined Birds Discovered In Rural Arkansas Barn
Damn. Is Everybody In That State Screwing Their Sister?

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For more of the year’s top headlines, check out Fark.com’s Headlines of the Year with entries like:
- Disagreements shake Djibouti. Shake, shake, shake. Shake, shake, shake. Shake Djibouti

- Baptist minister calls birth control “murder.” Your mom’s face now a crime scene

Thanks to all our readers for a great year and for all the laughs we shared in 2008. Happy New Year and all Best Wishes for a Great 2009 from the Bizlevity crew.

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New York’s Mayor Bloomberg could barely conceal a grin as he announced that Hillary Clinton and her husband had been chosen to be in charge of pushing the ceremonial button to start the New Year’s Eve ball drop in Times Square.

“These two have been trying to push people’s buttons for years,” said Bloomberg. “So, we figured, ‘Who better to push the second-biggest button in the country?’”

The mayor went on to say, “This will mark three times in a row Hillary’s dropped the ball, if you include her shot at health care during her husband’s first term.”

A spokesman for every other Democrat noted there was some very pleasing irony in the fact that while the Obama’s would be watching from in front of a fire in the Blair House as the year changed, the Clintons would be left out in the cold in New York.

In other news, after being kicked in the groin by his wife every day since August, John Edwards is expected to spend the New Year’s hoping for his balls to drop.

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Keep his friends close and his Clintons closer…

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Photo credit: Everystockphoto.com

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Wal-Mart Stores Inc. (NYSE: STDYPROFTS) announced today it is continuing its policy of buying in bulk and will combine 63 Federal and state class action lawsuits in one low-priced settlement. The company will shell out $640 million to settle accusations that it made employees work overtime and through breaks without pay.

A spokesman for Wal-Mart defended the company in a statement saying, “The average age of employees involved in the suit is about 93. Our position is that they didn’t even know where they were, let alone whether they were on overtime or break. Nonetheless, Wal-Mart will continue to look for opportunities to settle in bulk in order to keep the same low legal payments our customers and employees have come to expect from us.”

The company said the plaintiffs will be able to pick up their settlements in large, unwieldy, shrink-wrapped packages of coins and would be responsible for self-checkout of the money. The stores will have the money stacked in the shoe section since no customers have ever been seen in that area.

Analysts predict that those litigants who get to the store late in the day will most likely find incomplete packs of money with rolls of quarters on a shelf in the craft section of the store.

Despite the $640 million hit and the predictions of recession-induced cutbacks among shoppers, Wal-Mart is expected to announce its profits rose 10% in the fourth quarter of 2008. This would mark the 17th straight year that Wal-Mart profits have been up 10% in every quarter.

In a related story, hedge-fund scammer Bernard Madoff announced he was withdrawing his name from consideration for Wal-Mart CEO noting that, “Even when I was running a Ponzi scheme, I couldn’t generate 10% returns every quarter.”

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Wal-Mart will open at 5:00a.m. on New Year’s Day for plaintiffs to get settlement. Ensuing stampede for money is expected to engender another lawsuit.

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Photo credit: Everystockphoto.com

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