Mars To Buy Wrigley For $23 Billion
Candy Company To Use Large Bills, Hopes to Get Quarters For Laundry in Return
Mars Inc. today announced a bid to buy the Wrigley chewing gum company for $23 billion in cash. Wrigley officials said they expected Mars to have the correct amount of money and refused to make change for Mars’ initial $100 billion offer.
The Wm. Wrigley Jr. Company, which also makes Altoids, called the bid “curiously strong” and accepted almost immediately.
The merger is expected to face virtually no anti-trust opposition despite giving the combined company a worldwide monopoly on tooth decay. Lawyers were said to be very excited about the possibility of bringing class-action childhood obesity lawsuits against the new larger company.
Mars president William Wonka said he did not anticipate too many changes as a result of the takeover but noted that officials would be looking to rename Wrigley Field to more accurately reflect the new ownership and the current state of the Chicago Cubs with the new likely name to be Snickers Field.
Mr. Wonka was quoted as saying, “Goddammit!” as he left the Wrigley offices.
Asked to expand on his comments he added, “I just got gum stuck on my shoe.”
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Analysts wonder if merger is sign of things to come or … wait for it … just a temporary bubble.
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