Navy Christens New Attack Submarine
New Sub Fires 24 Torpedoes into Crowd in Response to Champagne Assault; Navy Looks to Tweak Artificial Intelligence Program That Controls Ship’s Response
The U.S. Navy christened a new attack submarine Saturday and all hell broke loose when the advanced ship fired 24 separate torpedoes into the crowd gathered on the dock to celebrate the occasion.
A General Dynamics spokesman said, “We suspect that breaking the bottle of champagne across the bow of the ship triggered some kind of computerized signal that the ship was under attack. I think what people really need to focus on is the fact that the torpedoes worked exactly as they were supposed to.”
One Naval officer, speaking off the record, suggested that the ship’s computer system may have triggered the aggressive response when the ship’s sensors recognized the champagne as French rather than a sparkling California wine.
A number of government officials attended the event which was held at the Groton, Connecticut shipyard. Upon learning that the sub was delivered eight months ahead of schedule and $54 million under budget, Senator Joe Lieberman (I-Bozo-CT) promised an immediate investigation into how the project could have been executed without substantial cost over-runs.
“This kind of responsible budgeting has no place in a project in which Federal funds are involved,” noted Lieberman.
The Navy attack sub was christened The New Hampshire because nothing strikes fear into the hearts of hostile seafaring nations like invoking the image of colorful fall foliage and an early primary.
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Navy attack sub would have been much cooler if it was painted yellow
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