June 23rd, 2008
George Carlin Dies
Fuck.
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George Carlin, 1937-2008
A master of all iterations of stand-up comedy
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Photo
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Fuck.
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George Carlin, 1937-2008
A master of all iterations of stand-up comedy
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The U.S. Navy christened a new attack submarine Saturday and all hell broke loose when the advanced ship fired 24 separate torpedoes into the crowd gathered on the dock to celebrate the occasion.
A General Dynamics spokesman said, “We suspect that breaking the bottle of champagne across the bow of the ship triggered some kind of computerized signal that the ship was under attack. I think what people really need to focus on is the fact that the torpedoes worked exactly as they were supposed to.”
One Naval officer, speaking off the record, suggested that the ship’s computer system may have triggered the aggressive response when the ship’s sensors recognized the champagne as French rather than a sparkling California wine.
A number of government officials attended the event which was held at the Groton, Connecticut shipyard. Upon learning that the sub was delivered eight months ahead of schedule and $54 million under budget, Senator Joe Lieberman (I-Bozo-CT) promised an immediate investigation into how the project could have been executed without substantial cost over-runs.
“This kind of responsible budgeting has no place in a project in which Federal funds are involved,” noted Lieberman.
The Navy attack sub was christened The New Hampshire because nothing strikes fear into the hearts of hostile seafaring nations like invoking the image of colorful fall foliage and an early primary.
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Navy attack sub would have been much cooler if it was painted yellow
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Not content with dominating the world auto market, the Japanese robotic industry is now working to make American women smaller, quieter and more fuel efficient.
Japanese toy maker Sega is manufacturing “a 15-inch tall robotic girlfriend that kisses on command” and which will go on sale this September.
The real irony here is that if the tech geeks who worked on this had spent half as much time building a 15 inch robotic dick, they’d be able to get a real girl.
In addition to kissing on command, the pint-size female robot can also sing, dance and hands out business cards. Congratulations, Sega. You just built the world’s first robot stripper.
When it first hits the market, the robot is expected to retail for $175 because having a midget fetish isn’t cheap.
Savvy shoppers will note that for $65 you can get something that looks even more real by going to a Build-A-Bear workshop at the mall.
Sure, you’ll probably freak out the staff and a half-dozen kids, but you’ll at least get a certificate stating your Build-A-Bear is disease free.
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Maybe. After about 14 beers….-
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Federal prosecutors today announced that they are preparing to bring criminal charges against the former managers of two Bear Stearns hedge funds that collapsed last year. The collapse of the funds are being blamed for starting the current credit crisis.
Speaking on condition of anonymity because he didn’t want anyone to associate his name with such a ridiculous case, one Federal prosecutor noted, “This is pretty standard in these cases. Any time someone loses money, we pretty much assume that there’s fraud involved — even if there’s a 125 page prospectus that outlines the risks.”
In other news, Federal prosecutors are also preparing a RICO indictment against Sony, Panasonic and other television manufacturers blaming them for the ongoing problem of consumers losing the TV remote control and accusing the electronic companies of colluding with sofa manufacturers to make the controls easier to misplace.
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Hard to find remote may contribute to obesity epidemic
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Exxon Says It Will Sell All It’s Company-Owned Gas Stations
Company Said To Be ‘Totally Disgusted’ With Restrooms
Welcome to your new cubicle-
Supreme Court Rebuffs Bush With Guantanamo Ruling
Justices Ask ‘Who Elected This Guy Anyway? Oh, Right…Sorry.’
Can’t gitmo than this far outside the Constitution-
Lehman Bros. Chief Fires Two Finance Execs, Complains ‘Wall Street Wants A Head’
CEO Fuld Says ‘You Really Didn’t Think I Was Going to Resign, Did You?’
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Belgian Brewer’s Takeover Offer For Anheuser-Busch Spurs ‘Amercanism’ In Some Beer Drinkers
Missouri Governor Leads Charge In Asserting Citizen’s Right to Drink Crappy Beer Made By Inefficient Domestic Company
Nothing more American then Clydesdales-
Bush Plans Speech In Paris Celebrating Improved U.S.-European Relations
Crowd of Over Three or Four People Expected To Show Up
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U.S. Airways Unveils Plans To Cope With Rising Fuel Prices
Airline Expected To Follow Industry Pattern of Horrific Customer Service, Stupid and Annoying Fees
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Ilinois Man Legally Changes Name To ‘In God We Trust’
Most Will Continue to Refer to Former Steve Kreuscher As ‘That Nitwit’
Hard part’s going to be finding girl named E Pluribus Unum-
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Kansas retiree George Chandler was listed in stable condition today or, as one doctor put it, “as stable as you can be after your buddy just blasted a 8-penny nail into your cerebellum.”
Chandler had invited his friend Phil Kern over to help him build a new deck and was standing underneath a ladder Kern was on when the nail gun accidentally went off and fired a two and a half-inch nail into Chandler’s skull.
An 911 operator told Kern not to remove the nail from Chandler’s head but explained that Kern could maybe hang a picture on it to hide the hole.
When the two soon-to-be-ex-friends arrived at the emergency room, Chandler was examined and told he would have to wait for another patient to be taken care of first.
The emergency room staff explained that, before going over to help Chandler, Kern had stopped off to help another neighbor install an in-ground pool and there had been some kind of backhoe mishap.
Chandler said he was just happy that there appeared to be no permanent brain damage, insisting his biggest fear was that for the rest of his life people might mistake him for Jessica Simpson.
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“Getting hit here with nail is no fun…”-
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MSNBC gains the initial nominee in the first of the first annual Bizlevity “Least Surprising Headline Contest” with the following entry:
Bizlevity readers are invited to submit their own nominations (headlines must be actual headlines with accompanying link) for the final judging to be held on Election Day later this year.
You can e-mail us your headlines or just stick ‘em in the Comments section of any Bizlevity post.
We’ll hold monthly contests to help narrow down the choices. Monthly prizes will feature prize packs of books and comedy CDs and DVDs from our favorite comics and humor writers.
The Grand Prize in November will be two tickets (if we get enough people playing, we’ll make it four) to see Brian Regan in concert.
Let the fun and games begin!
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Tickets to see Brian Regan…surprising; headlines…not so much.
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Study Shows Alcohol Cuts Risk Of Developing Rheumatoid Arthritis
Risk Declines As Participants In Study Found More Likely To Die By Driving Into A Tree On Way Home From Study
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Hillary Denies Seeking Vice President Slot
Ended Power Play When She Discovered V.P. Office Doesn’t Come With Scepter; Discovered She Would Not Be Allowed to Wear Crown At Official Functions
Needs to learn to cup her hand more if she wants to be Queen-
Bob Dylan Praises Barack Obama In Interview
Either That Or Legendary Singer Said ‘He’d Like to Rock Your Mama’; Experts Use Advanced Technology to Try to Understand Generational Icon’s Garbled Pronouncement
“You vote your way, and I’ll vote miiine…”-
Telecommuting Gains Popularity As Gas Prices Soar
Employers Offer Workers Option to Download Porn At Home Three Days A Week
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Kentucky Derby Winner Big Brown Tries For Triple Crown This Weekend
Jockey Will Go For Threesome With Hooters Girls; Chain’s Sponsorship Has Some Racing Fans Concerned Jockey May Grab Wrong Riding Crop Down Home Stretch
Reader’s Choice Captions: (Vote for your favorite in Comments!)-
Retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor today unveiled that she is working on a project to create a video game which teaches children how the court system works. The game will feature such realistic features as cash pay-offs and more favorable sentencing guidelines for characters who are Hollywood stars or politicians.
O’Connor said she collaborated on the project to counter criticism that judges are “godless, secular, humanists trying to impose their will on the rest of us.”
In reality, Justice O’Connor said, “The religious ones are trying to impose their will on the rest of us, too.”
O’Connor said her own grandchildren had taught her that technology was the best way to inspire children and that she would be doing further work in the educational sector with a program entitled “Hooked On Habeus Corpus.”
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Just got a new Wii gavel-
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The Associated Press is reporting that pitchman and long-time Tonight Show announcer Ed McMahon is over $640,000 behind in mortgage payments for his Beverly Hills home.
McMahon’s spokesman said the 85-year-old announcer has been unable to work since he broke his neck 18 months ago.
Many people are asking: how could this happen?
How is it possible that TV’s most successful pitchman is still living paycheck-to-paycheck at 85? I thought voice-overs provided you residuals for life. Ed was the second banana for 30 years on one of the most successful TV shows ever. He was the Simon Cowell of the 80s, hosting Star Search for over 12 years.
He was the spokesperson for Publisher’s Clearing House, for crying out loud. Even the pizza dude gets a couple bucks for delivering a lukewarm sausage and double cheese pie. You’d think a guy delivering $10 million dollars might get a couple thousand here and there for his efforts.
In fairness, McMahon’s house has been on the market for two years and I’m not sure why you’d just keep pouring money into something you’re just going to get rid of anyway.
But what this whole episode really highlights is the need for the Federal government to provide subsidies to help out former talk-show second-fiddles.
If Ed McMahon’s fallen on hard times, I’m pretty sure Andy Richter is eating out of a dumpster.
We’ll be right back after a word from our sponsors….
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We Give Business the Business
Written by Mark Jabo [email], and Sarit Catz [email] for b5media.
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