August 18th, 2008
Special guest post by: Traci Skene
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A six year study of rest room hand dryers has revealed sharp increases in global warming since the technology’s inception.
“All this time we thought car emmissions were ruining the planet,” said MIT researcher, Patel Bazarre. “But, studies reveal the constant dog-breath air of these dryers is responsible.”
The average person spends five minutes under the dryer before wiping his hands on his thighs and walking out in disgust.
Says Bazarre, “We would have been better off continuing to cut down trees for towels. If my home country ever starts washing their hands, the results could be catastrophic.”
“Press Here” to eliminate chafing and polar ice caps
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Traci Skene is a professional stand-up comic as well as co-founder and editor of SHECKYmagazine. She posts regularly over at Road Atlas Shrugged and you can catch her live this month on August 22-23 at the Comedy Cove in Springfield, NJ and on August 29 at the Allentown Brewworks in Allentown, PA.
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August 16th, 2008
Special guest post by: Traci Skene
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The White House has announced it has hired the famed cartoonist responsible for the New Yorker Barack and Michelle Obama cover to paint the portrait of the 44th President.
The current President is quoted as saying, “I don’t know what all the fuss was about. I think it captured the spirit of the Obamas. Of course, if McCain wins, we’re totally screwed.”
If McCain wins, portrait to be painted by creator of Alvin & the Chipmunks
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Traci Skene is a professional stand-up comic as well as co-founder and editor of SHECKYmagazine. She posts regularly over at Road Atlas Shrugged and you can catch her live this month on August 22-23 at the Comedy Cove in Springfield, NJ and on August 29 at the Allentown Brewworks in Allentown, PA.
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August 14th, 2008
Special guest post by: Traci Skene
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Ignoring previous criticism, John McCain’s election committee has released a new negative Obama ad once again starring “The Simple Life” socialite.
Campaign manager, Steve “Sargeant” Schmidt, insisted this time on using Paris Hilton’s famedsex tape. “We had been watching her sex video on the bus anyway,” said the Seargant, “so we thought we’d put the footage to good use.”
He continued, “The message will be “A vote for Obama is a vote for unmarried sex with your daughters.”
An unidentified campaign aide, was also quoted as saying, “Obama’s type of people have a lot of sex so I think this ad is completely appropriate.”
McCain promises comprehensive plan to address bimbo epidemic
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Traci Skene is a professional stand-up comic as well as co-founder and editor of SHECKYmagazine. She posts regularly over at Road Atlas Shrugged and you can catch her live this month on August 22-23 at the Comedy Cove in Springfield, NJ and on August 29 at the Allentown Brewworks in Allentown, PA.
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August 12th, 2008
Special guest post by: Traci Skene
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No longer satisfied with her United Nations work and overseas adoptions, movie star, Angelina Jolie has announced she is pregnant again, but this time with an entire nation.
“Having twins was easier than I had imagined,” said the globe-trotting beauty, “so I’ve decided to combine my two loves of child-rearing and world domination by giving birth to mega-uplets.”
The new nation, to be called East Brangelina, will be located off the coast of New Guinea until Jolie decides she’d rather move somewhere else.
Brad Pitt, father of the mega-uplets, had announced he will be present for the birth. Said the former Mr. Aniston, “Seeing a new nation born will be the greatest moment of my life. Besides, I want to make sure the doctors put in a few extra stitches afterwards.”
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Even with the co-pay, that’s a $500,000 epidural
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Traci Skene is a professional stand-up comic as well as co-founder and editor of SHECKYmagazine. She posts regularly over at Road Atlas Shrugged and you can catch her live this month on August 22-23 at the Comedy Cove in Springfield, NJ and on August 29 at the Allentown Brewworks in Allentown, PA.
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August 12th, 2008
Worth Less in Canada
Later this fall, General Motors is releasing new, more fuel-efficient versions of its full-size pickup trucks and SUVs. Finally, a Hummer that gets eight miles to the gallon.
China is set to overtake the US next year as the world’s largest producer of manufactured goods as a result of the rapidly weakening US economy and apparently strong demand for poison toys.
A Vancouver woman says that she was asked to cover up while breast-feeding during a recent flight on WestJet when the flight attendant told her some men find the sight of a bare breast offensive. When most men see a woman breastfeeding, they’re not offended, -they want to get in line. And given the cutbacks on in-flight service, this might be the only way to get a beverage.
John Edwards is now admitting he had an affair, a story that was broken by the National Enquirer - a true story in the National Enquirer. Next week, look for some actual facts on Fox News.
Two-thirds of U.S. corporations and foreign corporations doing business in the U.S. paid no federal income taxes between 1998 and 2005, according to a new report from Congress. “It’s shameful that so many corporations make big profits and pay nothing to support our country,” said Sen. Byron Dorgan, D-N.D., who asked for the study. “Only Congress is supposed to cheat the American people.”
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August 11th, 2008
Special guest post by: Traci Skene
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Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi will introduce legislation to open up President Bush’s brain to exploratory drilling. “We want to see what’s in there,” said the speaker in an impromptu press conference, “What we find may not lower gas prices, but it will lower my blood pressure.”
Fellow Democrats, including Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid, are criticizing the plan. “The man is a chimp,” said the Senator from Nevada, “You can’t drill into the brain of a chimp. Certainly I don’t like the President’s policies but I’m against cruelty to animals.”
White House spokesperson Dana Perino issued a statement saying the President could not be reached for comment because he was wearing a helmet and hiding in the hall closet.
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After a full day of drilling, wildcatters still unable to crack exterior of Bush’s head
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Traci Skene is a professional stand-up comic as well as co-founder and editor of SHECKYmagazine. She posts regularly over at Road Atlas Shrugged and you can catch her live this month on August 22-23 at the Comedy Cove in Springfield, NJ and on August 29 at the Allentown Brewworks in Allentown, PA.
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August 10th, 2008
Bizlevity Writer Mark Jabo To Take Vacation Next Week; Guest Writers on Bizlevity Site Include Traci Skene, Richard Quick, Esq.
Hey, Bizlevity readers!
You’re in for a special treat from August 11-20. I’m going on my honeymoon so we’ve lined up a couple of fantastic guest posters for Bizlevity over the course of the next week. Among the people stopping by to help us out are Traci Skene and Richard Quick, Esq.
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Bizlevity fave Traci Skene
Traci Skene is a comic’s comic. She has been performing stand-up comedy professionally since 1985, accomplishing the comedic equivalent of winning the Ironman Triathalon by performing in all 50 states.
Traci has appeared on VH-1’s Standup Spotlight and A&E’s Comedy on the Road. She and her husband Brian McKim are co-founders and editors of SHECKYmagazine.com which is acknowledged as the source of information on the art, craft and business of stand-up comedy.
In addition to writing for SHECKYmagazine.com, you can also find Traci over at one of our favorite humor blogs, Road Atlas Shrugged.
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Beloved millionaire, entrepreneur Richard Quick, Esq.
Donald Trump once said of Richard Quick, Esq., “If I had his money, I’d burn mine.”
This beloved millionaire and entrepreneur has been helping people relieve their money worries by relieving them of their money so they have nothing left to worry about.
Richard’s efforts over at Franworst have enabled many people who are just like you and me (only dumber) to retire early to a life of leisure on public assistance. Many of the franchisors who’ve worked with Richard are living the high life in such famous gated communities such as Leavenworth and Riker’s Island.
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Stop by and say “Hi!” to our guest posters over the course of the next week or so.
I’ll see you all when I get back.
-Mark Jabo
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August 5th, 2008
Country That Was Built On Pirated CDs and Software Victimized By Fake Olympic Tickets
Man, you never could have seen this coming…
China, the world leader in everything knock-off, is being forced to deal with a scam that involved fake tickets to the Olympic games.
It must have been that genuine Gucci bag that they were giving away with tickets that sealed the deal.
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“Man, I know I got some Olympic tickets in here somewhere….”
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August 5th, 2008
Additional Charges Include First Degree Stupidity and Impersonation of a Mobster
After three criminal trials related to alleged attempts to kidnap Guardian Angel and radio personality Curtis Sliwa, John “Junior” Gotti is back in deep linguine again.
Junior, son of the late John “Dapper Don” Gotti former head of the Gambino crime family, obviously figured the Feds gave up and weren’t paying any attention to him.
Yeah, I know. Nobody’s that stupid.
Except maybe O.J. Simpson.
FBI agent Al “Anonymous Source” Dente said Junior was picked up on a murder conspiracy charge that “stemmed from a federal investigation originating in Tampa, Florida.”
According to NBC News: “Five suspects have already been charged in that racketeering case, including reputed Gambino associates Ronald “Ronnie One Arm” Trucchio and John Alite.”
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Correction: The previous quote should have referred to John Alite as John “How Come I Got No Freakin’ Nickname?” Alite. The Mafia and editors of Bizlevity regret the oversight
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Junior Gotti has previously said that he was “retired” from the Mafia but was reportedly inspired by Brett Favre’s recent return to football and was said to be in talks with local crime heads about returning to the organization.
Speaking anonymously (they hoped), members of the Gambino crime family have indicated they would prefer if Junior signed with another organization involved in the shakedown rackets such as PETA or the EPA.
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Um, I forgot what my point was…
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August 4th, 2008
Worth More in Canada
Next month, Dunkin’ Donuts will add a new slate of “better-for-you” offerings. Better for you? What’s not better for you than carb-laden dough deep fried in fat? “I’ll have a large coffee and a steak.”
The head of the Pittsburgh Cancer Institute is warning that cell phone use might cause cancer. Cell phone makers are warning that living in Pittsburgh might cause cancer.
In a new survey, almost half of respondents say they are “addicted” to e-mail. Seems weird but I know I personally can’t go two hours without checking to see if I’ve heard from Mr. Nkoko, the lawyer for the Nigerian oil billionaire who wants me to help give his money to charity. I mean, if I wanted worthwhile causes to give my money to, I wouldn’t seek advice from a foundation or non-profit, I’d go straight to Sarit-AT-PrincessOfComedy.com.
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