December 17th, 2008
Instead of Covering Everything That Was Taxed, Paper Will Save Money By Printing Special Section of Items That Won’t Be Subject to New Fees
The New York Times, already reeling from staff cuts and the decade long decline of print media, announced it will cut costs further this week by only printing the businesses and products that won’t be taxed under New York Governor Patterson’s new budget.
“Quite frankly, to delineate all the new taxes and fees would require the same amount of paper and ink usually budgeted for 14 Sunday editions,” said Times editor Shanda Lear. “By only covering those items that aren’t taxed, we’ll be able to just stick a Post-It note on our regular daily paper.”
The New York State budget calls for 88 new taxes for the state that already ranks as the nation’s highest tax jurisdiction. The budget includes an “18% tax on soda, iPod tax, movie theater tax, sporting event tax, taxi tax, bus tax, limo tax, cable TV tax, radio tax, clothing tax” and more.
Governor Patterson defended the budget saying, “By encouraging a mass exodus from the state, we’ll save a ton of money on education and public transportation. Plus, we’ll put a big dent in the number of tourists since these fees will now add about three thousand dollars to the average cost of a weekend in New York City.”
A spokesman for Gatorade sports drink, which will now carry an additional 18% tax, noted the company will be changing it’s ad slogan in New York from “Gatorade. Is it in you?” to “Gatorade. Is it in your budget?”
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You’re going to need an energy drink after you get through forking out money for all the new taxes..
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December 17th, 2008
‘Who Better To Run Bailout Ponzi Scheme?’ Administration Asks
The perpetrator of the biggest Ponzi scheme in history may have a new job soon. The Bush Administration has announced plans to circumvent both Congress and popular opinion by constructing a bailout program for the Big Three automakers.
Lawyers for the President are relying on the Bush Administration’s traditional interpretation of the Constitution which they say, “technically, allows the President to do whatever he feels like.”
“The whole idea of paying off some people with money taken from other people is just a brilliant concept,” said spokesperson Amanda B. Recondwith. “In keeping with this Administration’s long-time lip service toward free market concepts, we decided to tap the most qualified — albeit most crooked — person we could find from the private sector.”
Madoff, the former NASDAQ chairman, was reportedly thrilled with the prospect of “setting a new record for fraud as a result of running a huge bailout program through the government patronage system.”
In other news, the estate of Charles Ponzi and several multi-level marketing organizations are suing Bernard Madoff for giving the Ponzi scheme a bad name, contending it’s now almost impossible to sign up friends for any kind of scheme involving vitamins or water filters.
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Archaeologists debate naming pyramid after Madoff…
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December 17th, 2008
Urges Banks To Shuffle Money Back and Forth ‘Just So It Looks Like We’re Doing Something’
The Fed cut rates yesterday to the lowest level since the invention of fire as they established a new low target of zero percent for the Fed funds rate — the rate the Fed charges banks to borrow money when they’re not imposing exorbitant fees on their customers.
Chairman Ben Bernanke testified, “We’re looking at the country as if it’s a giant Monopoly game. The banker doesn’t charge any interest when you pass ‘Go,’ so we figured, ‘What the hell. Why should we be any different?’ Here … take some money. It’s free.”
The Fed chairman also announced that a significant part of the trillion dollar bailout would go to buying all the Fed governors top hats, spats and monocles.
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Big Three automakers respond to demand for smaller cars….
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December 15th, 2008
Greek Police Can’t Yet Breathe Psi of Relief
Ahhh, Greece. Birthplace of Democracy. Cradle of Western thought. And, more recently, a hotbed of rioting over the police shooting of a 15-year-old boy.
I’m no international relations expert but I think it’s a bad sign for you as a government when you run out of tear gas.
There haven’t been this many watery eyes since my local discount theater had a double-feature of Beaches and Terms of Endearment.
Greek rioters and other vacationing anarchists have used the shooting as a catalyst to foment protest on a variety of social injustices such as police brutality, rampant unemployment and the decision to allow Madonna to tour.
The Greek police have asked Israel and Germany to send emergency supplies of tear gas. The request also triggered Greece’s first irony alert since Plato came up with the concept of philosopher-king.
Meanwhile, the use of old stockpiles of tear gas has given protesters something else to bitch about.
“We found tear gas canisters dated from 1981,” said one demonstrator, calling himself only GK. “The old chemicals make us sick, people have fainted and have trouble breathing.”
Greek police have pledged to use only new tear gas from now on which has absolutely no effect on demonstrators but produces a variety of vividly colored smoke plumes which make for much better photo ops for the monthly Anarchy Today newsletter.
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Um, … ‘moderation is best,’ anyone?
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December 15th, 2008
Is Anyone In Washington Listening? Bueller? … Bueller?
Over at Leadership Turn, Miki Saxon has uncovered a fascinating interview with Idris Jala.
See if this sounds vaguely familiar …
- A huge, multi-national corporation is four months away from running out of cash.
- The company suffers from “inadequate yield management, an inefficient network and poor cost control.”
- The company has “insufficient freedom to operate commercially and a host of legacy personnel challenges.”
- There are a large number of shareholders and intense public scrutiny.
While it sounds an awful lot like one of the Big Three auto companies, the company in question was state-controlled Malaysian Airlines, the national carrier of that company.
You can read about the amazing turnaround Idris Jala was able to effect over at Leadership Turn. Miki has an additional link to the full McKinsey Quarterly article.
The article is entitled Idris Jala’s 5 Principles of Change. I found it hard to believe one of those principles isn’t “take a penny, leave a penny” but, then again, that’s probably why I wasn’t interviewed for the open Malaysian Airlines CEO position.
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If you look out to your left, you can see the Big Three automakers doing everything wrong…
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December 14th, 2008
President Bush Gets Surprise On Surprise Visit To Iraq
An Iraqi reporter who was clearly upset at the progress the U.S. and Iraq were making toward getting a new Foot Locker franchise in Baghdad, tried to take his frustration out on the President by throwing both shoes at the leader of the free world.
Bush dodged the two flying shoes and security officials were able to keep the scene from escalating when they restrained Bush from taking off his wing-tips and returning the salvo.
The attack was the most serious shoe attack since the attempt by Richard Reid to blow-up an airplane with explosive-laden sneakers in 2002 and is expected to lead to a policy where reporters will have to take off their shoes and package any toiletries separately in order to be admitted to future news conferences.
Meanwhile, hard line Republicans urged a shoe embargo of Iraq and called on Payless and Thom McAnn to do a better job of screening their customers.
A bipartisan group of Congressional leaders also called for an immediate ban on Crocs. Not because the brightly-colored shoe played any role in the incident, but just because they’re ridiculous.
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President may not be quick-witted, but has good reaction time..
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December 12th, 2008
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KFC Workers Fired For Bathing In Sink
Suddenly, Usual Rat Infestation Doesn’t Look So Bad
“Since when is one of the menu options ‘extra hairy?’”
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KFC Workers Fired For Bathing In Sink
Company Sues Trio For Duplicating Secret 11 Herbs and Spices Recipe
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KFC Workers Fired For Bathing In Sink
Three Workers Face Charges For Violating Ban on Trans-Fatties In Food
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White House To Use Bank Bailout Funds For Automakers
Will Insist All Cars Come With An ATM
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White House To Use Bank Bailout Funds For Automakers
Announcing A New Bizlevity Seminar: ‘How You Can Declare Yourself A Bank and Get The Bailout Funds You Deserve’
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Man Sprays Toilet-Papering Teens With Fox Urine
Hannity & Colmes, O’Reilly Said To Be Furious With Theft of Their Pee
The O’Reilly pH Factor
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December 12th, 2008
Darlene McDaniel’s Service Is Waaay Better Deal Than Paying $40 Per Pound For Mail Order Steaks
Career coach and fellow blogger extraordinaire, Darlene McDaniel, is in the Christmas spirit. She’s giving away a free job interviewing coaching session for the first 25 people who leave a comment on her site at Interview Chatter.
… Well, what are you doing hanging around here?
Hurry up and go take advantage of Darlene’s free offer!
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Get the job you want … without paying a million dollars for it…
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December 12th, 2008
Prez Also Thinking About Using Bailout Money For Home Theater System or New Lexus For Laura
In keeping with a long-standing White House policy, after the Senate’s rejection of the auto company bailout President Bush announced he will do whatever he feels like anyhow.
“I’d like to thank the American people for giving me carte blanche to use $700 billion however I want. I can’t believe you people fell for that whole ‘It’s an emergency’ thing all over again,” gloated Bush.
Because the auto industry is just as vital as the wooden arrow and rum industries which were also given millions of dollars in the Wall Street bailout bill, the President is expected to authorize spending on the Big Three automakers’ plans to continue to lose money.
President Bush went on to say, “And just to rub it in, I’m also gonna use some of that bailout money for a pool for my new house and a Wii system for all my nieces and nephews.”
Meanwhile, union officials scuttled the original Big Three bailout plan because it required them to make an attempt to become competitive.
Or, as one union official joked with reporters, “Next thing you’ll want is for us to fully fund our pension plan … you guys kill me…”
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Union official strolls smugly out of a Senate meeting after costing millions of workers their jobs…
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December 12th, 2008
Blago Says He Will Be Accepting Bribes Right Up Until Resignation or Impeachment
Governor Rod “Spare the Rod and Spoil The Child” Blagojevich reported to work as usual today in an effort to keep up a sense of “normalcy” in the Illinois state government. Influence peddlers and bribe carriers were allowed to wear khakis and sport shirts as if it was a normal casual Friday in Springfield.
The Governor was said to be carefully weighing his options which were consisted of pleading out to avoid time at a PMITA prison or fleeing the country.
Privately, Blagojevich is said to believe he has done nothing wrong, complaining to close friends, “How can anyone say it was wrong if I never got paid? That’s just total bulls**t.”
In other breaking news: the latest count shows the major media outlets have issued 735,433 disclaimers that there is no evidence anyone in the Obama administration has anything to do with the Illinois scandal, global warming or the cholera outbreak in Zimbabwe.
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We’d like to note that there is not one scintilla of evidence that Obama is having an affair with this woman, but we’ll show this picture anyway…
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