Starbucks To Feature ‘Everyday’ Coffee
Company Says It Will Throw Out Any Batch Not Brewed Within 30 Minutes, Customers Can Expect Extremely Perky Homeless People Hanging Around Stores
In its continuing effort to “get back to the basics” of overcharging for a staple commodity, Starbucks plans to announce a new “everyday” coffee, Pike Place Roast.
CEO Howard Schultz pointed out that the new blend will have a “bold, robust flavor profile that customers have come to expect of Starbucks coffee, but with a smoother, buttery finish.”
None of which customers will be able to taste after they get through dumping four creams and eight sugars into it.
“Starbucks developed Pike Place Roast … after consulting with nearly 1,000 customers who clamored for a line of drip coffee that wouldn’t switch from, say, an earthy Sumatra one week to a bright, citrusy Ethiopia Sidamo the next.”
Starbucks will continue to keep its insane tall/grande/venti sizing nomenclature but will change the language every week. Next up: Mandarin Chinese.
In response to other customer requests, Starbucks is also considering installing separate cash registers for asshats who take more than 10 minutes to make a decision before ordering a “half-caf, low-fat, double-shot, mocha latte blend with extra foam and a mixture of cinnamon and nutmeg, not too hot.”
Starbucks will promote the new blend by serving all its coffee and espresso drinks in white cups with a version of its original brown mermaid logo. The mermaid logo has been redesigned to “make the her long, wavy hair cover her bare breasts — a move aimed at pre-empting complaints it’s received in the past from people who find it too racy. ”
In an effort to differentiate its brand from Starbucks, Dunkin’ Donuts is expected to air commercials which feature Rachel Ray taking off her shirt.
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America runs on cleavage
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