Supreme Court Rules Against Death Penalty For Child Molestation, In Favor Of Right To Bear Arms
Court Sends Clear Signal for Parents to Take Matters into Their Own Hands; Says Ruling Will Help Eliminate Number of Pedophile Cases Clogging Court System
The Supreme Court giveth and the Supreme Court taketh away. In the past week the Supreme Court ruled against allowing the death penalty in cases of child rape and struck down laws prohibiting handgun possession.
The twin rulings are seen as an effort by the Court to leave open the option of vigilante justice to the parents of children who’ve been molested.
Arguing that the popular trend is against applying the death penalty, the Court termed the death penalty “cruel and unusual punishment” for criminals who are responsible for inflicting, um, cruel and unusual punishment on children.
Citing the popular trend toward insipid reality shows and childhood obesity, experts predict the Court will rule in favor of a new reality show where kids are fed nothing but Pop Tarts and Hardee’s Thickburgers in an effort to see who will be the first kid who will need to be airlifted out of the show’s specially constructed house.
The Court issued a flurry of rulings in advance of the summer recess. Judges Stevens and Ginsburg were said to be particularly ready for a vacation with Justice Stevens noting that “at our ages, trampling on individual rights takes a little bit more out of you than it used to.”
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