BREAKING NEWS: Tour De France Rider Passes Drug Test!
Ethiopian Rider and Buddhist Monk Are Only Two Riders Left After Stage 4 Drug Testing Eliminates Rest of Field
An emaciated man riding a 1985 Huffy 3-Speed Mountain Bike could become the first winner of the prestigious Tour de France after the entire rest of the field, except for a vegetarian Buddhist monk, was eliminated with the last round of drug testing.
Hailie Unlikelay dreamed of racing in the Tour de France as a child growing up in the dusty plains of Ethiopia where he used to race cheetahs on a bike he had built from parts scavenged from behind the U.S. and Australian embassies.
He was Ethiopia’s sole contestant in the world’s most famous cycling race and was given no chance of winning until bookies in London learned that he hadn’t eaten in over three months and drank only rain water from puddles and birdbaths along the Tour de France’s route.
Savvy bettors drove down odds on Unlikelay, figuring he was the only participant who hadn’t ingested banned substances simply by virtue of not having ingested anything other than water.
Monday’s post-race drug testing eliminated scores of competitors and further cemented the reputation of bikers as possibly the dumbest people on the face of the planet. Even potheads lay off weed for a week before drug testing for a job interview.
Unlikelay’s sole competition comes from Khant Ita Khow, a Buddhist monk who is a strict vegetarian. Race handicappers, however, worry that Khow could test positive for ma huang as a result of drinking herbal tea and are also concerned that his orange robes could get tangled in the bike chain during the mountain climbing portion of the race.
In a related story, drug testing equipment at a French lab exploded today when an Italian rider tested off the charts for steroids, performance-enhancing EPO, anti-inflammatories, caffeine and Axe Body Spray.
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